Summary

Yes, there’s the sex addiction, the compulsive sexual behavior, and… there’s the lying.

Deceptive sexuality needs to be addressed in addition to your sex/porn addiction.

Cheryl Camarillo and I attended training together at The Institute of Sexual Health for Deceptive Sexuality and Trauma Treatment for infidelity and compulsive sexual behavior disorders.

Both of us work with high-achieving men and have noticed interesting nuances in their acting-out behavior. We talk about these nuances and how the process of sex addicts’ recovery will need to be customized to deal with them.

If you are interested in working with Cheryl, you can find her here: https://cherylcamarillo.com/

If you have not yet read my book, you can find it here on Amazon: https://a.co/d/gYeiXKv

High-achieving men—entrepreneurs, executives, and professionals often find that traditional sex addiction recovery models don’t fit. In a candid conversation with Roland Cochrun, I shared why recovery must be customized. 

Every person needs their own “recipe” to heal, especially when secrecy, shame, and emotional disconnection are involved. We discussed reframing the problem from addiction to deceptive sexuality, which shifts the focus from labels to the deeper issues of manipulation and relational harm. 

Many high performers feel alienated by 12-step programs where identity-based language and powerlessness can actually hinder progress. True healing comes from understanding why the behavior happens, not just stopping it and building intimacy through emotional honesty and shared reality. I emphasized the profound impact of betrayal trauma on partners and the need for empathy, transparency, and accountability. Recovery isn’t one-size-fits-all. With the right support and a tailored approach, long-lasting transformation is not only possible, it’s within reach.

Where Recovery and Renewal Begin

For high-achieving men, the road to sex addiction and recovery or compulsive sexual behavior is anything but typical. These men often feel isolated, misunderstood, and disconnected, not only from their partners but from themselves.

Traditional recovery models such as 12-step programs don’t always resonate with this population. It’s why many men search for options like sex addiction counseling near me, when what they truly need is a customized, empowering approach. The language, structure, and assumptions often miss the mark for men who are used to being in control, finding solutions, and moving forward quickly. Many of these men don’t relate to labels like “addict,” and their needs for autonomy and personal agency can feel stifled by rigid approaches.

In a powerful conversation on The Sex Addiction Podcast for High Achievers, I joined Roland Cochrun to explore this very issue. Roland and I both work closely with people who are struggling with sex and porn addiction. Together, we unpacked what it means to customize recovery to go beyond behavior management and into relational healing, emotional transparency, and trauma resolution.

If you’re ready to explore what a customized path might look like for you, I’d love to support you. You can book a private consultation with me, and we’ll take the first step together.

Recovery Is Not One-Size-Fits-All

When I work with men in recovery, I don’t expect them all to follow the same blueprint, and that’s because, as I said in the interview, “Everybody has their own recipe that they need in order to help them move to the next level.”

Some men just need a bit of light and direction. As Roland mentioned, once many of these high achievers see where they’re going, they take off, “Give them the light, and they’ll be way ahead of the pack.” These are men who thrive on strategy, progress, and structure. They don’t need to be micromanaged; they need to be empowered.

Others are still trying to figure out why they keep hitting the same wall in their recovery. For them, the process may be slower, more exploratory, and emotionally layered.

• • There is no “one right way” to recover.
  • Support must match the individual’s personality, learning style, and current season of life.
  • Autonomy matters. High achievers often do better when they’re in the driver’s seat of their recovery.

For many high achievers exploring how to overcome sexual addiction, the key lies in autonomy, strategy, and support that aligns with their unique strengths.

As Roland put it: “The key to recovery is you taking the wheel and then using the sex addiction field to help you.”

Reframing the Problem: From Addiction to Deceptive Sexuality

One of the most liberating shifts in the recovery journey is moving from seeing the issue purely as “addiction” to understanding it through the lens of deceptive sexuality. This shift helps clients separate their behaviors from their core identity, making room for less shame and more healing.

Roland and I met at a training course led by Dr. Omar Minwalla, who introduced this framework. Roland described it this way: “Calling it deceptive sexuality opens the doors to a bunch of other areas… because lying is kind of an interesting aspect, and it’s not necessarily going to go away with addiction treatment unless we look at the reason for the deception.”

For many, the core issue isn’t just about sexual acting out. It’s about hiding, manipulating, and lying. It’s about the parts of themselves they didn’t feel safe enough to share, and the ways they protected those parts through secret behavior.

I explained that “It’s the manipulative behavior… that you need to give up. That is the power and control.”

True recovery begins not just when you stop a behavior but when you stop protecting it with deception.

I also reject labeling clients as addicts. I tell my clients often, “That is a behavior. It is not who you are.”

Why 12-Step Doesn’t Always Work for High Achievers

12-step programs like SAA or SLAA can be helpful for many, but they don’t always work for high performers.

Roland described his experience in those groups as disorienting: “I’ve never had a substance addiction… I’ve only gone to 12-step for this, and yeah, the approach was really interesting.”

In many groups, there’s pressure to introduce yourself with a label: “I’m a sex addict.” Roland shared how that felt wrong: “After about five or six months, it was my turn to introduce myself, and I would say, ‘I’m Roland, and I’m happy to be here.’ They would pause… waiting for me to say the label, but I wasn’t going to say that. I’m not a sex addict.”

He also struggled with the idea of powerlessness: “Giving away your power… that always kind of put me off. For me as a high achiever, changing my identity to something I’m not proud of… that didn’t really work.”

High-performing men are often:

• • Self-reliant and solution-focused
  • Uncomfortable with group dynamics centered around shame or failure
  • More responsive to goal-oriented, forward-moving frameworks

Many don’t identify with common sex addict signs, which makes groups that rely on those labels feel alienating rather than supportive.

There’s no shame in acknowledging that a model doesn’t fit you. The important thing is to find a path that does.

The Role of Betrayal Trauma in Sex Addiction and Recovery

One of the most critical elements in sex addiction and recovery, especially for couples, is understanding the impact of betrayal trauma.

And let’s be clear: betrayal trauma isn’t just sadness or anger. It’s emotional, psychological, and relational distress that mirrors symptoms of post-traumatic stress.

As I said during the interview, “It’s not the reasons or the words. It’s the feeling you’ve caused pain.” And until that pain is truly acknowledged, the relationship can’t begin to heal.

I often ask men: “Are you even seeing how you are affecting someone else?”

Betrayal trauma impacts a partner in multiple ways:

• • Emotionally: with overwhelming grief, fear, or anger
  • Psychologically: with obsessive thoughts, confusion, and trauma responses
  • Relationally: with broken trust, fear of intimacy, and relational shutdown

These symptoms mirror post-traumatic stress and often require long-term support. True recovery from betrayal trauma depends on empathy, safety, and consistent accountability.

It’s not just about stopping the behavior; it’s about becoming emotionally accountable for the damage that’s been done. That means learning how to show empathy, listen deeply, and validate your partner’s experience without trying to defend or minimize your own.

For those wanting guided support, Cheryl offers 3-hour intensives and 8-week betrayal trauma groups that provide tools, structure, and compassionate guidance for both individual and relational healing.

If you or your partner is navigating betrayal trauma, I offer several ways to help you begin healing. You can explore these options on my services page.

Building Intimacy Through Shared Reality

One of the most transformational things couples can do in the healing process is create shared emotional reality. Instead of arguing over who’s right, they learn to sit down and say, “Here’s what the world looks like to me and here’s how it feels to live in that world.”

Roland said: “Let’s talk about the reality we were living in. And what that made us feel.”

This is especially powerful in the aftermath of betrayal. For the betrayed partner, her reality might include stories like:

• • “I’m not enough.”
  • “Men always leave.”
  • “He must not find me attractive.”
  • “I’ll never feel safe again.”

And for the man in recovery, his reality might sound like:

• • “I was hiding because I didn’t think I could stop.”
  • “I didn’t know how to talk about my urges without feeling ashamed.”
  • “I didn’t think there was help for me.”

A key part of learning how to overcome sexual addiction is creating space for these honest conversations, where both partners can express their inner worlds without judgment.

When couples start sharing those inner worlds, something shifts. They stop fighting each other and start fighting for connection. In the context of sex addiction and recovery, creating shared emotional reality allows couples to move from secrecy to connection.

As I said in the podcast, intimacy isn’t just about sex. It’s built through empathy, safety, trust, vulnerability, connection, honesty, and transparency. That’s the path to real intimacy and once couples begin walking it, many tell me, “This is the deepest connection we’ve ever had.”

Don’t Demonize the Behavior: How to Overcome Sexual Addiction by Understanding the Why

One of the most common mistakes I see in early recovery is when people hyper-focus on the behavior and miss the underlying pain.

Roland captured this well when he said: “Don’t demonize the behavior, demonize why the behavior happens.”

Many of these behaviors whether it’s watching adult content, sexting, or compulsive flirting, are ways of meeting real emotional needs:

• • Feeling wanted
  • Escaping stress
  • Numbing shame
  • Seeking validation

For some, compulsive patterns trace back to wounds never addressed. In these cases, healing sexual trauma is an essential part of breaking free.

As Roland noted: “These behaviors were meeting real emotional needs just not in a sustainable way.”

Rather than judging those needs, we need to get curious. Where did those needs originate? Were they unmet in childhood? Were they shamed? Did the person ever learn how to meet them in healthy ways?

We also talked about the neuroscience of compulsion. Roland said, “Once the ritual has begun, it’s almost impossible to stop.” That’s why it’s crucial to work upstream before the ritual begins to understand what emotional state triggered it in the first place.

This is the heart of trauma-informed work. Not “How do I stop?” but “Why do I keep needing to start?”

Conclusion: Healing is Possible and It Starts with the Right Fit

If you’re wondering how to overcome sexual addiction, the most important thing to know is this: healing is possible.

Sex addiction and recovery, especially for high-achieving professionals, is about more than just stopping a behavior. It’s about coming back into integrity with yourself. It’s about restoring trust with your partner, and it’s about learning how to live from a place of emotional honesty, empathy, and connection.

You don’t need to fit into someone else’s mold. Your path can be your own. Whether you’re navigating betrayal trauma, compulsive sexual behavior, or the aftermath of years of deception, there is a way forward.

Recovery is possible when:

• • You stop labeling yourself and start understanding yourself.
  • You take the wheel in your healing process.
  • You shift from secrecy to shared emotional reality.
  • You move from shame to empathy and relational accountability.

Approaches like relational trauma therapy help couples not just repair broken trust but build a stronger emotional foundation for the future.
As Roland said: “Be on the same team. Make the compulsive behaviors the enemy, not your spouse.”

You don’t have to stay stuck in the story of what you did. You can write a new story… one of truth, trust, and transformation.

Healing doesn’t have to start alone. If you’d like practical tools and guidance right away, I invite you to join my free Relationship 911 webinar.

Reserve your spot now

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