In “Turning Wounds into Wisdom: My Journey Through Betrayal Trauma,” I share my personal experience with betrayal, particularly through infidelity and addiction. Betrayal trauma shattered my sense of trust and self-worth, but over time, I realized that it wasn’t my fault.
The pain I felt was a reflection of my partner’s unresolved issues, not my shortcomings. Through my healing journey, I learned that recovery requires a holistic approach—therapy, self-care, and support from others. I also recognized that unhealed wounds often lead us to attract dysfunctional relationships.
Reclaiming my power meant setting boundaries and focusing on my growth. I found strength in breaking free from toxic patterns, building self-awareness, and creating healthier connections. Ultimately, I discovered that healing from betrayal is about transforming pain into wisdom, taking consistent steps toward self-discovery, and reclaiming the life I truly deserve.
Recovery from Betrayal: Understanding the Depth of Pain and Steps Toward Healing
Betrayal trauma is one of the most devastating experiences anyone can tolerate. It shakes you to your core, making you question everything, your worth, your choices, and your future. I’ve been there. As someone who has lived through it and dedicated my professional life to helping others heal, I understand how isolating and overwhelming it can feel. You might be thinking, “how do I get over betrayal?”
For many, betrayal comes in the form of infidelity, whether that’s physical, emotional, or through compulsive behaviors like pornography use or gambling. But betrayal trauma is about so much more than the betrayal itself; it’s about the ripple effects it creates in every aspect of your life. In this article, I want to take you through my personal and professional insights to help you make sense of your pain and take steps toward recovery from betrayal.
Let’s explore the six lessons that have shaped my journey and my work, and hopefully, they’ll resonate with you too.
What Is Betrayal Trauma and Why It Hurts So Much
Betrayal trauma is not just emotional pain, it’s a fracture of trust that can feel as catastrophic as a natural disaster in your life. It’s what happens when the person you trusted most, the one who promised loyalty and love, acts in a way that contradicts those promises. This betrayal can manifest as an affair, emotional infidelity, pornography use, or any behavior that makes you feel discarded, unseen, or unloved.
In my own life, betrayal trauma became real when my partner’s addictions, some of which I knew about and others I didn’t, escalated in ways that shattered my sense of safety. At first, I internalized it. At first, I internalized it. I asked myself, how do I get over betrayal? What am I doing wrong? Am I not enough? But over time, I came to realize that his actions had very little to do with me and everything to do with his unresolved pain and inability to face it.
If you’re amid betrayal trauma, I want you to know this: It’s not your fault. You are not the cause of your partner’s decisions, even if their behavior has left you feeling like you’re to blame.
Why Do We Attract Dysfunctional Relationships?
One of the hardest truths I’ve had to accept is that we often attract partners who mirror parts of ourselves we haven’t yet healed. It’s not intentional, and it’s certainly not something we deserve, but it happens because we’re drawn to what feels familiar, even if what’s familiar isn’t healthy.
For example, I married someone who struggled with multiple addictions—alcohol, spending, and, eventually, pornography. At the time, I didn’t see the red flags because I was so focused on the parts of him that felt safe and kind. Looking back, I can see that I was drawn to him partly because I had my wounds that made me want to “fix” him. It was as if by helping him heal, I could validate my worth. However, when I faced the betrayal of his actions, it forced me to confront the deep emotional pain of the situation. How do I get over betrayal became a question I struggled with, as I tried to reconcile my love for him with the hurt and trust issues that arose.
Does this sound familiar? Maybe you’ve found yourself in similar patterns, attracting partners who are emotionally unavailable, dismissive, or even harmful. The key to breaking this cycle is recognizing it and committing to understanding your own needs and boundaries.
The Importance of Healing Holistically
Recovery from betrayal trauma isn’t a one-size-fits-all process. It’s not just about leaving a partner or fixing a relationship; it’s about addressing every layer of the pain and rebuilding yourself from the ground up. Recovery from betrayal involves recognizing that the path to healing is multifaceted and deeply personal.
When I started my healing journey, I also asked myself “How do I get over betrayal” and I realized that I needed to work on multiple fronts. I attended therapy, joined support groups, and even pursued professional certifications to better understand addiction and betrayal. I began to see that healing required more than just processing my emotions, it required learning new tools to navigate relationships, set boundaries, and reclaim my sense of self.
Here’s how I approach healing holistically with my clients:
- Individual Therapy: Focus on your emotional needs, trauma, and personal growth.
- Couples Therapy: If both partners are committed, this can help rebuild trust and improve communication.
- Support Groups: Sharing your story and hearing others’ experiences can be incredibly validating.
- Self-Care Practices: Incorporate meditation, journaling, or exercise to nurture your body and mind.
How Culture Shapes Betrayal
Society plays a larger role in betrayal than we often realize. In my training, I learned about the concept of the “man box,” which describes the societal expectations placed on men to be stoic, dominant, and emotionally unavailable. These pressures can lead men to suppress their emotions and seek validation through external means like affairs, addictions, or compulsive behaviors. How do I get over betrayal when societal norms foster these patterns of behavior?
For example, many of the men I’ve worked with didn’t grow up in environments where emotional intelligence was valued. They were taught to bury their feelings and measure their worth through power or control. This cultural conditioning doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it does help us understand its roots and how it contributes to the trauma of infidelity experienced by their partners.
Reclaiming Your Power After Betrayal
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned, both personally and professionally, is this: you cannot control someone else’s choices, but you have complete authority over how you respond. Betrayal can feel like a tornado, uprooting your sense of stability and leaving you grasping for answers. How do I get over betrayal when everything feels so uncertain? But it’s also an opportunity to rediscover yourself, not as someone’s partner, but as a whole, autonomous individual.
Reclaiming your power begins with setting clear boundaries. Boundaries aren’t about punishing others; they’re about protecting your peace. Recovery from betrayal requires a firm commitment to self-respect and well-being.
Ask yourself: What am I no longer willing to tolerate in my relationships? What behaviors are non-negotiable for me? Write these down and revisit them often.
These boundaries become your guideposts, reminding you of your worth and steering you toward healthier connections. Healing from betrayal trauma often involves redefining what you will and will not accept, giving you the strength to move forward.
Investing in your happiness and growth is another critical step. For me, this meant finding activities that nourished my spirit, whether that was learning a new skill, connecting with supportive friends, or even taking quiet moments to journal and reflect. It’s not about filling the void someone else left behind; it’s about creating a life that feels full and vibrant because of you.
Breaking the Cycle for Good
Breaking free from dysfunctional relationship patterns is one of the most empowering things you can do, but it requires courage, commitment, and self-awareness. It’s not easy to confront the wounds that keep pulling you into familiar but harmful dynamics, but it’s necessary if you want to create the life and relationships you truly deserve. Embracing the process of healing betrayal trauma is a vital step toward breaking these cycles and building healthier, more fulfilling connections.
In my journey, breaking the cycle began with education. I became a certified sexologist and sex addiction therapist, immersing myself in the study of human behavior, trauma, and healing. While this path was deeply personal, it also allowed me to help others break free from their cycles of pain. Along the way, I realized that healing isn’t about achieving perfection, it’s about making consistent progress, one step at a time. How do I get over betrayal? This question often arises when breaking free from destructive cycles.
If you’re unsure where to begin, start by identifying the patterns in your past relationships. Were you drawn to emotionally unavailable partners? Did you find yourself compromising too much, losing sight of your own needs? Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward breaking them.
Next, take actionable steps to rewrite your narrative:
- Seek Support: Work with a therapist or join a support group to gain insights and guidance.
- Prioritize Self-Awareness: Reflect on your needs, values, and boundaries. Write them down and revisit them regularly.
- Practice Saying No: Learn to recognize when something doesn’t serve you and walk away from it without guilt.
- Build New Habits: Engage in activities that nurture your sense of self, such as hobbies, physical fitness, or mindfulness practices.
Breaking the cycle isn’t about avoiding relationships altogether, it’s about entering them from a place of strength and self-awareness. Recovering from betrayal involves rediscovering who you are, so you no longer feel compelled to seek validation or fulfillment from others. Instead, you attract relationships that reflect your newfound confidence and clarity.
Conclusion
Recovery from betrayal trauma is undeniably painful, but it doesn’t have to define you. It can be the beginning of a powerful transformation, a chance to turn your wounds into wisdom and create a life filled with love, trust, and authenticity. How do you get over betrayal? The answer lies in taking consistent steps toward healing and self-discovery.
Every small step you take toward healing matters. Whether it’s setting a boundary, seeking support, or rediscovering your passions, you are building a stronger, more resilient version of yourself. Recovery from betrayal requires courage and persistence, but it is possible to emerge stronger than before.
When you ask yourself “How do I get over betrayal”, please remember you don’t have to navigate this journey alone. Together, we can turn your pain into a source of strength and help you reclaim the life you deserve.